If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
