you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
