so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
