considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
