i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
