Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
