If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
