I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
