My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
