Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
