Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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