I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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