had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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