I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
