One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
