remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
