I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
