I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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