cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
