last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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