Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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