you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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