I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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