These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
