um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
