Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
birth control should be required to get into college
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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