YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
