I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
