he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
