I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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