On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
