I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
