I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
