I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
