His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
