how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
