I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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