even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
