I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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