He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
