I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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