im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
