I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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