just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
