the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
