I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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