I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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