I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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