I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
