Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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