my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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